So I have a couple of guy friends in my life- ok, a TON of guy friends- that are always complaining about how complicated girls are and how they wish there was a manual (like they would EVER read it) to help them understand us better. Well- this blog entry is a chapter in that manual! This here will be a How-To guide on dealing with a sick girlfriend/fiancee/wife/whatever you call her. I am writing this because the other night I woke up and was violently ill until the next morning. During the whole ordeal Jake was CLEARLY clueless on what to do in my time of desperate need. So, without further adieu he is my guide on what to do.
1. If your girlfriend has medium-long hair you should immediately find a hair tie, or a rubber band at the very least. Rummage through bathroom drawers and desk drawers as quickly as possible. It is very important that this is done with a sense of urgency because the last thing a girl wants is puke in her hair. It's bad enough we're face first into the toilet, so trying to maintain a balance between holding our hair back and not faceplanting into the toilet is just not a fun time that we want to have. We may scream and pitch a fit that we're fine and don't need you, but that is an outright lie. We need you and that damn hair tie. Stat.If you can't find a hair tie or a rubber band then hold our hair back for us. I know- it's gross. But it is way less gross if you help us out and we will love you even more if you do us this one small favor.
2. Don't you dare leave the bathroom just yet. We are throwing up every gut inside our body. We feel like crap. We look like crap. This whole ordeal is just beginning for us. We want to be soothed. Stick around and rub our back and make sure we're ok. Offer a piece of toilet paper so we can wipe our face off. Do whatever you can to make sure that we know you still care about us even though we are CLEARLY at our worst.
3. Once we feel like we're done getting rid of every meal we've had for the past sic months odds are we are going to want to shower and brush our teeth (especially if you didn't follow or complete step 1 in time). Help us out here. Make sure we get into the shower without killing ourselves. Be a pal and set up our toothbrush for us. Rummage around for another set of pjs. Most importantly- keep your ears open. If you stop hearing movement, CHECK ON US! We could have fallen. We could have gone to sleep mid-shower. If you hear movement, make sure it sounds normal. You never know, we could have to jump out of the shower and make a beeline to the toilet again at which point you will need to repeat step 1.
4. Don't ask us if we want a glass of water, especially if we are in the process of throwing up. First off, we might not hear you clearly. It could sound like you are telling us to get a glass once we're done. Newsflash- the last thing we're thinking about is a damn glass of water. Second off- we feel like crap. Any thought of moving off the ground is just unbearable. Just be a good guy and have one on the bedside table.
5. If this continues odds are we are just going to want to sleep in the bathroom (running from the bed to the bathroom becomes quite the task). The least you can do is help us get a little more comfortable. Grab a lot of blankets to make a bed on the floor and make sure we have our pillow and a blanket to keep us warm. Sleeping on the floor sucks. Sleeping on hard, cold, tile floors sucks even more. Sleeping on hard, cold, tile floors while feeling like complete crap sucks exponentially.
6. Lastly- The next morning make sure you show genuine concern and ask if we're feeling any better. If you have to leave for some reason, a kiss on the forehead is a great way to show that you still love us even after the gross ordeal we just went through.
***BE MINDFUL!!! If you drip onto the toilet after you go to the bathroom rip off a square of toilet paper and clean it off. It's bad enough we are face first in the toilet with the potential of our own vomit splashing up on our face. The last thing we want to see is your gross pee in our face.
