I would like to think I'm mature enough to be able to just ignore bad behavior. I'd like to think that at this point, the people in my life are adults and know right from wrong. I'd like to think that as adults, we can look back out our actions and see how they wronged someone when it is pointed out. I'd like to think that when it comes to family ties, having a strong relationship would be important.
I'm wrong on all accounts. That is not an easy thing to admit, but it is the right thing to do.
Blatant lies and insults that are thrown out so easily about me or someone I love really pisses me off. It's so easy to hide behind our computer screens and say whatever the hell we feel like because we don't have to look people in the eye and see the pain and hurt words cause. By not seeing the pain and hurt, we are not affected by how our words can come across to others, regardless of intent. Words hurt. Words have meaning. Words cause feelings. Words can be a weapon. I know I am guilty of saying hurtful things. I know I am guilty of saying things without thinking of how others may perceive it. The difference is, and this is still a work in progress, I am learning to say what I mean and mean what I say to people. I don't hide behind my computer or my cell phone. I will go to great lengths to explain the words I used, the intent they were said with, and to take a step back and see things through other's eyes. I may not always agree with other views or perceptions, but I can at least respect them and learn how to taper how I say things and when. I don't go out of my way to take very specific jabs at people and hit them where it will hurt. I don't go out of my way to irritate someone. I don't find the joy in those actions anymore. When I was younger, I did. I didn't like being hurt so I would hurt back any way I could. Looking back, I really hurt people... and for what? To prove a point? To make myself feel better? How childish and horrible of me. That being said, I will stand up for myself. I will stand my ground. I will not be a mat for people to wipe their feet on. I will point out specifically what people say that is hurtful and I will fiercely protect myself and others. I will speak up for those who can't. I will put bullies in their place by taking their power away. If they get hurt by seeing their words in front of their eyes, then so be it. I am not deliberately hurting them- they are hurting themselves when realization hits that THEY said certain things and there won't always be forgiveness. I can eat crow and apologize when necessary, but some people just don't deserve it.
I'm not mature enough to just ignore bad behavior when it affects me in some way. I may not always speak up but it really makes my blood boil. I always hoped I'd be mature enough to just turn a blind eye to this cyber bullying garbage but I'm not. I thought I could rise above it, but I can't. I had to stoop to the level of actually hiding and blocking on Facebook. Maybe, one day, I can revisit this and stop hiding posts that are blatant digs at me. Maybe, one day, I can unblock people that I had to block because they are just so hurtful and see nothing wrong with their behavior. Maybe. But for now, I have to do what is best for me... For my health. For my sanity.
The hardest thing to deal with is that I have to do this to family members. I don't think I will ever understand how family can be so cruel to other family members. I know that part of it is just because I was raised around my mom's family and they are just so insanely loving and supportive and accepting. Differing opinions are always acceptable. Agreeing to disagree is always acceptable. Taking digs at each other is never a thought. My dad's side of the family... Well. That's a whole different story. At almost 29, I understand why my dad distanced himself. Some people just can't change who they are. Some people really are just that self centered and selfish. And sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. It is really upsetting to me that after all this time people can't grow up and be adults. It's upsetting that some can just write off family so easily for the sake of fake friends. At some point, I have to throw in the towel and say no more. No more trying to understand and figure out selfish family members. No more giving passes for the bad behavior. No more excuses.
I know that it is ok to just throw in the towel and cut off those family ties... But I have to figure out how to find peace with that. For now, that will be my struggle.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Happy wife, happy life
So much has happened in my life... I don't know where to begin. I kind of fell off the face of the earth while I dealt with some personal issues. Nothing like a medical scare to put things into perspective. While I am glad it all worked out, I feel like God could have gotten his message to me in a different way. My biggest take away from it is that life is too short to let jealousy and nastiness live within me. Life is too short to allow people like that to control, and even be part of, my life. In some instances, you can just cut those negative things out of your life. However, it is never that easy in real life. My biggest challenge now is to learn how to handle dealing with people who seem to survive solely on bringing me (and occasionally my husband) down. I know that I will always struggle to control my tongue. I know that I will always struggle with not feeling like I'm less of a person because of my income (which is not bad... I can live comfortably on it all on my own). I know that I will always struggle with being made out to be a less than stellar wife (even though that is not how Jake views things). These are struggles that are solely mine, based on someone's view of me. I shouldn't allow any one to create such struggles, but the fact remains: They exist. They hurt. The cause of them will never go away. My goal for the year is to find a way to rise above it. I know I will forever fall along the way, but if I can figure out how to rise above it even 80% of the time, I'll be happy.
Some positives have occurred, though:
1. I left my job after a year and a half. I realized that I was being strung along with empty promises. I was being treated horribly. The respect just disappeared. I worked my butt off for no reason. Lies began to pile up and I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I realized that it wasn't a way to live. After some long talks, Jake assured me that I would find a job in no time and we could survive off of his income in the mean time. So, I walked in and handed a two-week's notice in unexpectedly. It was a hard decision, since there were aspects about my job that I really enjoyed, but it ended up being so worth it. I was only unemployed for a month before my resume was picked up by a staffing agency in the same industry. Seriously, best thing that could have happened to me. I have not only shown that I am a good Administrative Assistant, I have proven that I have skills that can be utilized in ways that the average person in this industry wouldn't see. My co-workers are all amazing people. It isn't just people that I work with. This small group of co-workers is more like a family. Everyone actually cares for, and respects, each other. We don't always see eye to eye, but it is never anything personal that can disrupt working together. I am excelling in ways even I didn't foresee. I'm treated like an equal and my pay is far above what I could have asked for. I have finally been made a direct employee, which is even better.
2. I'm married! I couldn't be more thrilled. The whole process went from being daunting to exciting and so not textbook. Co-workers not only helped save us money by taking care of our marriage contract (yay for having a co-worker who is ordained!), my boss ended up throwing a full blown wedding (complete with cake, decorations, and flowers) in the break room! My parents threw an AMAZING wedding for family and friends in Florida. We were so overwhelmed by all of the people who flew in from all over the country to be part of our day. I always knew that my family and friends were the most amazing people ever (and I am so insanely blessed to have them in my life), but I am so glad I could share that with Jake and his family. I think it it really showed them who I am and where I came from and how I grew up. The wedding was just an incredible experience. The weather was gorgeous, the venue was stunning, the staff was incredible... What little I got to eat tasted phenomenal! The DJ had everyone dancing and the photographer was snapping pictures of perfect moments. Everyone who wasn't Jewish really got into our customs. Drama was minimal (but sadly, inevitable) but I kept hearing about how calm I was and how easy going I was. All I could do was focus on the fun stuff. I think that was a great help.
3. Jake and I have joined the volunteer Search and Rescue group out here. We have focused on being part of the K9 team with Clyde. What a surreal experience. I'm learning how to survive in the wilderness, how to hike without dying, and the science behind how dogs manage to find people. It is just a really neat thing to be part of. We've met such awesome people from different backgrounds and we've broadened our friendships. I look forward to continuing on this path to becoming a certified volunteer.
I'm really trying to just focus on the good in my life. I miss my family a ton, but we have plans to take more vacations down the road and spend some holidays with my family. I know that bad days will come and go, but I'm thankful that I have a strong support system in Jake.
Life is good.
Some positives have occurred, though:
1. I left my job after a year and a half. I realized that I was being strung along with empty promises. I was being treated horribly. The respect just disappeared. I worked my butt off for no reason. Lies began to pile up and I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I realized that it wasn't a way to live. After some long talks, Jake assured me that I would find a job in no time and we could survive off of his income in the mean time. So, I walked in and handed a two-week's notice in unexpectedly. It was a hard decision, since there were aspects about my job that I really enjoyed, but it ended up being so worth it. I was only unemployed for a month before my resume was picked up by a staffing agency in the same industry. Seriously, best thing that could have happened to me. I have not only shown that I am a good Administrative Assistant, I have proven that I have skills that can be utilized in ways that the average person in this industry wouldn't see. My co-workers are all amazing people. It isn't just people that I work with. This small group of co-workers is more like a family. Everyone actually cares for, and respects, each other. We don't always see eye to eye, but it is never anything personal that can disrupt working together. I am excelling in ways even I didn't foresee. I'm treated like an equal and my pay is far above what I could have asked for. I have finally been made a direct employee, which is even better.
2. I'm married! I couldn't be more thrilled. The whole process went from being daunting to exciting and so not textbook. Co-workers not only helped save us money by taking care of our marriage contract (yay for having a co-worker who is ordained!), my boss ended up throwing a full blown wedding (complete with cake, decorations, and flowers) in the break room! My parents threw an AMAZING wedding for family and friends in Florida. We were so overwhelmed by all of the people who flew in from all over the country to be part of our day. I always knew that my family and friends were the most amazing people ever (and I am so insanely blessed to have them in my life), but I am so glad I could share that with Jake and his family. I think it it really showed them who I am and where I came from and how I grew up. The wedding was just an incredible experience. The weather was gorgeous, the venue was stunning, the staff was incredible... What little I got to eat tasted phenomenal! The DJ had everyone dancing and the photographer was snapping pictures of perfect moments. Everyone who wasn't Jewish really got into our customs. Drama was minimal (but sadly, inevitable) but I kept hearing about how calm I was and how easy going I was. All I could do was focus on the fun stuff. I think that was a great help.
3. Jake and I have joined the volunteer Search and Rescue group out here. We have focused on being part of the K9 team with Clyde. What a surreal experience. I'm learning how to survive in the wilderness, how to hike without dying, and the science behind how dogs manage to find people. It is just a really neat thing to be part of. We've met such awesome people from different backgrounds and we've broadened our friendships. I look forward to continuing on this path to becoming a certified volunteer.
I'm really trying to just focus on the good in my life. I miss my family a ton, but we have plans to take more vacations down the road and spend some holidays with my family. I know that bad days will come and go, but I'm thankful that I have a strong support system in Jake.
Life is good.
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