Guilt. We all suffer from this emotion at some point in our lives. There are so many different reasons to feel that emotion. We can feel guilt for getting someone in trouble or eating the last cookie in the jar. We can feel guilt for not standing up for someone in their time of need. We can feel guilt for not giving 100% effort. Guilt can manifest within us. Sometimes it is easy to right whatever wrong it is that makes us feel guilt. Sometimes there is no way and we will live with that knowledge for the rest of our lives. In those cases, the best thing to do is to learn from the event and try to be better next time.
But what do you do when you feel guilt for something that you had no control over? How do you get over that emotion when others have already told you that the reason for your guilt is off base and you shouldn't be feeling guilty? I often wonder if one really gets over that guilt... Does it ever go away? Or do you just move forward and try your hardest to not be in a similar situation again?
This last week has really been a roller coaster for me, but it wasn't until last night/this morning that I realized I was on the ride. I joined Search and Rescue for a plethora of reasons. I wanted to have a joint hobby (for lack of better term) with Jake. I wanted to meet new people. I wanted to be pushed out of my comfort zone. I wanted to learn new skills. Most importantly- I wanted to help people. Chalk that last one up to the Girl Scout in me. When I joined, I thought it was all about finding people lost in the woods or in a rare case- an urban area. I knew there was always that chance that the mission could go from rescue to recovery, but I never really thought about how I would react during a mission, or after one.
Never in a million years did I think that a catastrophe would ever happen out here. I grew up around major hurricanes. I lived in areas devastated by tornadoes and extreme wildfires. I've seen what natural disasters can do. When I moved out here I was assured and reassured that natural disasters aren't a real thought in any one's mind out here because they really don't happen. Sure, you have some flooding from the rivers and some minor to medium avalanches... But those don't really happen near us. Talk about a false sense of security (which I never imagined I would be lulled into). For the first time in any one's memory a major natural disaster occurred here on March 22. This is the worst damage I have ever seen in my 29 years of existence.
Without even a thought I signed myself up as 100% available to assist where and when necessary. I didn't even take into account my lack of experience. All I knew is that I wanted to help... This is why we train every weekend, right? So when the call went out to respond Jake and I dropped everything, got gear in order, and left the safety of Lake Stevens. This was the first mission I have ever responded to and I was just trying to take it all in. I asked Jake a TON of questions about the area, landslides, what to expect.... What our roles would be. I took in the scenery and the serenity of the trees and sun and nature. I kept asking what the different mountain names were and which river were we driving by. The first of many realities hit me: I know nothing about where I live. Will I ever know the mountain names? Will I ever know which river is which?
I waited (somewhat) patiently for instructions. I took in the buzz of the area: firefighters and volunteers all rushing around and getting supplies. People looking at maps of the area and knowing exactly which area they were headed to and remembering what it had looked like before this. I looked at the K9 group I was with and the second reality hit me: I was the only one there who had never responded to a mission before. Ever. Even Jake had responded to one before this. I was so far out of my element. What was I thinking? Oh right, I wasn't thinking... I just responded, like my gut told me to. I was assigned to a seasoned handler and off we went.
We immediately set out to begin our search. At first, it was really similar to our trainings: I climbed over and under branches and bushes. I whacked my way through vines and other foliage. I cautiously made my way around things to avoid falling or worse. Eventually, the terrain and scenery changed.
After we completed searching one section of our area we moved to the next. Nothing can prepare you for the devastation we saw. Homes were not only wiped out, the foundation was buried under feet upon feet of mud, water, and clay. Huge trees were knocked down. Cars and trucks were sliced in half. It really just made you stop and stare with a slack jaw. What used to be lush and green was now covered in gray water. I did my best to keep up, but I just lack the experience... and the confidence. If I felt like I was going to get injured, I wouldn't climb over the trees. I did my best to keep eyes on the dog. My hearing is pretty exceptional so I could always point out the area where the dog was, even without seeing him. Eventually we moved our search to the mud flats. At first, I did pretty well navigating across the muck. My inexperience eventually got the best of me. I started sliding and sinking in the clay (which was being likened to quick sand). I would get coached on how to get myself unstuck and after some struggling I would break free and catch up. I wasn't always so lucky.
I thought I found a good, solid area to step on. I was dead wrong. My left leg sunk all the way to mid-thigh. My foot was stuck in a downward 45 degree angle. No matter what I did, I couldn't break free. The clay started to tighten around my leg and I felt it pulling me. At this point the rescue helicopters were circling over head (as if I was easy to miss in my bright purple helmet and neon orange vest). We eventually dug me out and I pulled myself up. It was determined that the area couldn't be crossed so we would have to go back. I was so frustrated with myself. I really started feeling like dead weight. I felt like I just slowed the whole mission down and it was a mistake to have come. My teammate reassured me that I was not dead weight and that I was doing something that many other people couldn't bring themselves to do. It brightened my spirits for the rest of the day, but that dead weight feeling never fully went away. It just kind of... hid itself.
I didn't really think about it until the next time I was sent out as field support, a few days later. I struggled climbing up the hills of powder soft clay. I lost one of my gloves. I almost lost a radio. Again, I started to feel like I was slowing the handler down. My confidence dropped, and as much as I tried to internalize that and soldier on... I don't think I internalized it. I have no doubt it showed on my face. I did soldier on. I didn't complain. I worked through the muscle burn. But at the end of the day, I felt defeated and deflated.
Last night we debriefed with some crisis management people. I listened to everyone tell their side. I watched the sadness come over everyone... And it hit me: This massive wave of guilt just smashed into me. I felt guilty that I couldn't empathize with the sadness and loss the others felt. I couldn't really contribute to what it felt like to be out there and doing such an extensive search. I just felt that dead weight feeling all over again. I know I did the very best I could. I know that they needed to have a field support person for every handler and if I hadn't arrived a team might not have deployed. But I think I will always wonder if I held a handler back because I'm too weak? Too scared? I will never know.
The question still remains: How do I get over this guilt? I didn't do something to someone... I didn't hurt feelings or take the last cookie. I can't apologize to any one. I did the very best that I could. So how do I get over this guilt of not being able to empathize? I know in my heart that if I was raised out here I would have shed a few tears of loss for the area.... But does that make up for it? In time, I know that the guilt feeling will subside... But will it come back again during another mission? How do I keep that from happening? I guess only time will tell...
